jlumen | A string of thoughts on motherhood and work-life balance (Reply)

I just knew when I started journaling again, I wouldn't be 'one of those moms'.
Y'know the kind, that their whole life seems to revolve around being a mother? I remember those moms before I became and I felt so bad for them. Honestly I still do, I've managed so far, albeit very early in the phase, to keep a lot of my personhood. A laudable achievement, considering I adopted my son by myself (although I'm far from doing this alone, my village keeps my peace).

Still, it is my journal. My inner thoughts and some reflection on my life now is quite similar to what things were back in my Livejournal days. Back then it was me deep in my eating disorder and being wistful about crushes, the occasional fan fiction and poem. A dreary post before my medicated days.

And of course being a millennial, there were lots of lyric posts. I thought I was so deep, that sweet summer child.

Quite honestly, I don't have much to complain about with motherhood, I love being a mom 100% of the time. I mean that. The hardest part is between the reality of capitalism and my ADHD, it is not the only thing I have or want to do, and there are only so many hours in the day. That's what makes it exhausting. It's what's made the arrival of free knitting machines sometimes feel overwhelming, and getting more responsiblity at work feel like a burden. Even blessings like owning a home get tiresome because things break, stuff has to be cleaned, and the bills - sigh they insist on payment every.single.month </s>

Sometimes, I just have a scramble of thoughts with everything that is going on right now. Being back at full time, coping through the 'terrible twos', and managing to have some kind of life outside of that. I don't hit every goal but overall I really do try my best. And overall, I am happy where I am in life right now. Sure, I'd like more money and to be in better shape, but life has seasons and I have different priorities right now. I'm okay with that. There are times where I feel like I should be doing more but I try to keep perspective with what I can actually handle.

Case in point, I want to consign some of my son's early baby stuff. Now I could've stressed myself out, trying to print out dozens of cards, hang clothes and price things. But I decided I'd eat the $12 fee and related fees and see how that pans out. If I don't think it's worth it, I will have learned something. Besides at this rate, I'd likely donate it, so it'd be nice to make a couple dollars off it. Because EJ needs new shoes and that's one thing I have a difficult time buying pre-owned, haha.

What I'll end with for now is that I remember what I wrote about learning Python, that if I would've just done a tiny bit every month for the past six years, I'd likely be prolific by now. And I can use that same approach for my other hobbies, and it'll be ok. There will be a time when EJ will want very little to do with me, hard to believe now with the way he raises his hands and says "Up!" or clings to my leg while I'm trying to cook in the kitchen. And then I'll be missing allot, if not everything, about those days.